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Daisyblu_one_and_forever
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Name: Chantel
Birthday: 7/29/1989
Gender: Female
Interests: Hanging out with my friends and family!! Going out, anything that I can be with my friends and family mostly...Oh yea did I tell you that I'm a Minwoo Lover? I think everyone knows...OH! and I love Shinhwa! haha! Nothing surprising here... you guys know me well enough...
Expertise: I like playing DDR but Not really good at but getting better..... Denny makes fun of me cuz I can't read the jump that freak!! and uhh let me think... hmm... this is going to take awhile
Occupation: Student
Industry: Other
Message: message me
Member Since:
11/22/2003
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| Hello dooders!!
Yep yep, you guessed it, it's Spring Break!! Yay! I would
usually be
hella pumped up for this time of the year, because it's the time of the
year where I get to spend time with family, but cousin from China came
down and now is making a big old doo doo for my family so we don't even
know if we're going to get to go. Which sucks! She's been
causing so
much toroture in my life at the moment, it's kind of driving me crazy,
okay slash that. It's been driving me insane, not that I was sane
in
the beginning but you all know what I mean. So I really do hope I
can go to Vegas and LA because I want to see my big brother Hanh and in
LA i can get dress for prom if I decide to go. I'm still debating.
For me right now the only good side is that I've been getting good
grade and I see my grade rise a precent by percent. I mean I
almost
even have a B- in AP History. That's a crazy thing to get in that
class. So I'm very happy about that, only I'll be hella pissed
off if
it was like last semester, where it's like POINT 2 away from another
grade so I'm going to continue working hard at working that grade
up.
I'm also working m english grade up as well. Which is easy I jsut
got
to do everythign from now until the end of the year and I should have a
A in the class, but I'm not going ot like put so much hope in it, cause
I could be off on my math there. PreCalulus just stinks.
I'm like
falling and raising in that class. I would like pass a test and
then
th enext week I owuld fail a test. I don't even know what to do
anymore, all I'm happy with right now is that I have a C in the class
and I hope to maintain it. For the other classes I'm doing just
peachie. I'm doing good in Chemestry and in Forensics. I
think I'm going to end up having both A's in those two classes, since I
already have an A in Forensics and a very high B in Chemestry. So
we'll see how that turns out.
As for life it's been okie. Nothing really bad and nothing really
good either so it's just kind of there. Just living it through
everyday, whether I like it or not. I'm almost done with high
school, which just struck me a couple of days ago, and then I started
to think about my family and my friends. I know that once getting
out of high school, everythign is going to change. I'll have to
learn to support myself and to learn to cope with losing some friends,
something I'm going to have to get over, no matter how much I don't
want to.
As for my furture life. I want to become
so many thing and I know
that I can't do all. I want to be a Forensic Scientist, though
everyone around me is saying that's a dumb idea and is going against
it. I really don't want to care what they think about it, but I
really can't help but to think about it sometimes. I understand
why they think the way they do, it's not everyday you meet someone that
does that kind of stuff, but they never understood that I'm not just
someone, I'm me and I'm differnt than all around me. I don't want
to follow what everyone else is doing. I want to be my own.
I'm not that adverage asian that goes into medical and all that
junk. I wnat to do something that I'm actually going to do
something other than just sitting there giving out medicine. I
have no interest what-so-ever in the medical field of medicine and if I
have no interest in it, I won't want to do it. Meaning I won't
last in it, even if I do succeed in that field. I always wanted
to do so many things, fashion designing, interior designing, a writer,
a doctor for kids, and so many more, but everytime I wanted to become
something I really loved, I alsways had to find new ones, because
everyone around me gave me this idea that I would fail. I don't
want that anymore. I want to something I want to do and not what
everyone else wants me to do.
I'm tired of listening to everyone. This time I want to listen to
myself and if I don't succeed at least I know I tried and that I
finally did something in my life that I wanted to do, and not what
everyone else wanted me to do. I would finally get to do
something in my life, where I didn't care what others thought. I
would finally be free from this cage that's I've been living all my
life.
I'm really trying to find who I am right now. I really want to
know who this person I've been taken away from. I want to know
who me is. I thought that what I am right now is who I am, but
I've finally figured that I'm not really who I am, that I've been what
everyone else been wanting me to be. I've finally see that I'm
not this girl that just does what I'm doing now, that I have so much
more dreams and so much more I want to do. I've been so hard
trying to be someone that I'm not, so I could see everyone around me
happy, knowing that they got someone they can mold into and be proud
of, but I'm not that. I'm getting brittle, if that is how you can
put it. I can't be molded any more. I'm reaching the limit
of breaking.
Sometimes I sit in bed, asking myself what am I doing? Sadly, I
still don't know, and that's why I think I let people make me into what
they want, because then at least I have a road to go by. But now
I found that it's not the road I wanted to be on, but I think it's too
late to turn back. I don't think I have the effort to turn
back. I thought over the years I've grown stronger into a person,
but instead I think I've grown weaker.
I feel like such a hypocrite. I remember a few months back I
wrote how I follow my own road and how following others roads will just
lead you to a dead end, yet I've been doing that all my life.
I've been following the roads of others, and now I hit a dead end, and
I don't know what to do anymore.
I don't want people to worry about me any more. I just want them
to be happy and that's why I've been fighting it and putting on a happy
face so everyone sees that I'm fine, but I've grown tired of this
fight, but yet, I still don't want them to worry. I'm stuck in
this circle going around and around.
I keep saying I'll make it through, that this is only a phase in life,
but I can't help but wonder, is this really a phase? All I want
to do now is to concentrate on my studies and go to college, so when I
get out, I can help my family out, and maybe show them that what I've
done for myself was not a bad thing. I want to show them that I
can succeed without them molding me into something I'm not. I
want to show them that they have a daughter they can be proud of even
though I'm not doing what they wanted me to do.
I just hope that they can trust me enough to let me go and show them
that I can do it. I just want them to trust me that I won't do
anything that would hurt them, that I know what I'm doing, and they
don't have to worry about me. I just want them to give me this
once chance to show them that I'm not the daughter they see in their
head, but that I can be so much more. That's all I want from
them, nothing else.
I never asked for anything big from them, and all I ask now is that
they give me this space to show them I can make something out of myself
even if I'm not what they wanted me to be.
I don't ask for pity, I just want to let out what I've been holding
in. I don't want people's pity for me or thier help, at least not
thier help at the moment. All I want right now is time to reflect.
| | |
| Hello my fellow xanga-ers. Since I really don’t
feel like doing homework or anything as a matter a fact, I’m going to
post in here, something I haven’t done in the longest time ever.
Nothing new has been happening in my life. Just kind of, living
it to whatever it may be Kind of getting sick of it, but what can
you do? Live it out and just try your best to enjoy it, something
I’m trying to do. Hard but eh, not one said anything about it
being easy now did they? I wasn’t expecting much from it but
whatever.
These days I’ve been just trying to keep up with homework and
school. I’ve been actually doing work and stop a little bit on
the slacking off part. I found that if I get homework over the
weekend I should just do it on Friday because then I won’t have to
think about tit the rest of the weekend. I could just enjoy it,
rest and relax; something I truly need.
Next Monday I have this big Iwo Jima project due. I’m nervous
scared, and all of the above. Thought I keep telling myself
everything is going to be a-okay. It’s hard when you really hate
getting up in front of the class. I hate have the spotlight on me
and being put on the spot. I tend to forget my words and I just
start freaking out. I have a lot of support on my back so I don’t
want to let those people down and work hard on this.
So lets see what else is happening in my small world. Nothing
much but school mostly. My cousin from China came down last
Thursday and been enjoying it here. She saw snow for the first
time in her 23 year life. She’s learning to cope with us American
people and our ways. She finds it strange that we wear clothing
that degrades our body, but she’s getting use to seeing that. She
finds it funny that boys wear their pants down to their knees, thinking
it’s cool. I don’t blame her though. I too find it strange
that guys would suffer themselves walking with pants down to their
knees. I find also agree on her about girls degrading themselves
with the clothing they wear. I find it disrespectful and so
freaking dumb that girls have to use their bodies to get guys attention
instead of getting a guy for what it’s really worth.
The world has and always will be a shallow piece of junk that will all
lead us to our death. I don’t understand and I probably will
never understand why people care so much base on looks when the world
has given them so much more than just that. The world has given
us chances to see it from not just one view but views from directions
that we never even thought existed, and I’m about to shoot everyone of
them as they walk about.
I’m tired of seeing everyone single one of them and if I could I would
do as I said above. They are a disgrace to the human race and
seriously need to go to hell. I mean do you seriously want a guy
liking you because you hang your freaking body out to show people, than
having a guy like you because of who you are and not what you
are? Yea, that’s going to get you far in this world, and you know
what, sadly they probably will, but at least I know that their love
life, is nothing more but a mere image.
I really don’t care if you like to show your body around, but seriously
have some respect to those who actually want to keep what they have to
themselves. I mean wear a tank top or whatever, but you do not
need to buy a size, ten times smaller than you really are. You
say you look fat, and this and that, but please, if you wore some
proper clothing that actually fit you, you wouldn’t have that problem
and actually look a little more normal.
Buying jeans that are two times too small, and saying that you look
fat, is the dumbest thing ever. If you wore jeans that actually
fit you, your body won’t have crap, that you call fat, that may not be
fat at all and just your intestines trying to get some freaking room,
hanging over the sides, you probably won‘t think your fat. I’m
not fat, but I’m sure if I wore jeans that can suffocate the shit out
of me, I probably have ‘fat’ hanging off too.
Call me old fashion and whatnot. I can give a damn. I
actually respect my body for all it’s worth and don’t go throwing it
around to random boys every weekend of the year. I’m sorry I
actually take pride for the things I have and I don’t care whether you
like it or not. I’m not asking for your opinions in the first place.
So… now that I got that out of my system, I can finally move on to
other matters, that actually take some brain work, something obviously
those girls don’t have. Yes, I have something against them and if
you sit next to these stupid girls every single day at school, you
would want to shoot the hell out of them too. I’m just waiting
for the right time.
Other matters at hand don’t really matter to me anymore. They do,
but eh, it’s not really part of my whole life span of thinking
anymore. It’s just kind of there and I just deal with it.
These past few days, I feel like I’m a book. I feel like I’m
being read and all the things that hides between my pages are being
exposed to the world. Something I seriously have to change in
that. I’ve worked way too long and hard for it all to crumble
before my eyes.
Secrets are suppose to be hidden not read. Hidden agendas are
hidden, not opened to the public, yet I know that everyday more of it
slips out. I know that the person who finds it, will keep it to
themselves, but really, why figure me out. I’m a difficult person
that needs to be kept in the dark, so no one goes hopping around
finding the secrets that one holds.
It’s enough to deal with your own troubles, why deal with others?
To help them? I do that, but what I get in return is nothing but
crap. I never actually thought I would get something in return
other than a thanks or something of the kind, but can a girl get
something a little more? I don’t ask for much, but gosh they
aren’t the only one with problems in their lives.
I think sometimes, people around me know me better than I know myself,
and that makes me wonder, everyday. What else do they know, that
I don’t? What else is do they think, that makes them know?
I’m just tired, I really am. I feel like I’m a freaking robot,
doing the same everyday. I’m sick of it and if I could ever
change it, there would be no hesitation.
Years and years of this has taken it’s toll on me. I’ll say it
straight out, I’m tired. Of school, friend, family, life, all of
it. I’m sick of it, tired of it. When you finally think
that you got something you care about and that you finally got
something to live for. It all becomes some sort of lie and get
disappointed once again.
Enough of this. I’m just about done with everything. Time
is going to make do with me and I’ll be gone. Plain and
simple. End this with a quote, I suppose.
Quote:
“Tears stain the eyes, but disappointment stains the heart.” -Chantel | | |
| Times passing, as it always has, but
as the days come closer, time seems to be much faster than it should be
going. Days have been shortened, days have been turning warmer; a
sign that summer is approching. Then it begins to cool, and
that's when fall comes and school begins for one more year; at least
for me.
It just seeemed like yesterday I was walking into
high school picking up my regestration form for freshmen year, now I'm
going to be going to school once more to pick up my senior year.
How time flys by so quick and it's too late now that I've figured that
I didn't apperciate it while it lasted.
Every year I saw my friend leave high school.
One by one they left, this will be the last year and most of them will
be gone, then next I'll be gone. I've always thought that high
school was going to be the longest years of my life. I was wrong;
oh so very wrong. It was probably the fastest years of my
life. It all went by in a snap.
I just found that I never taken pictures of my years
in hig school, with all my friends. Now I can't cause they al
have left. Scary to think I'll be out in the real world
soon. Scares me to think about that.
I just started driving about a month ago, it's been
fun, I guess. I thought it would more, but it's not much.
It's weird though, because now my parents think I can do more and
leave me on my own; something I don't want to happen. I always
enjoyed have my parents besides me. I find it funny how so many
people always complain about thier parents ans how happy they'll be
leaving them. For me, I'm going ot miss it. I love them to
bits and now knowing that I'm going to see them less, has brung tears
to my eyes.
I never really got to spend time with them and told them how much
I love them. I would tell them here and there but they always
think I'm sucking up to them, but truely I do love them with all my
heart; if only they knew.
As I got older I found that I've grown not just physically but
also metally. I remember my freshmen year, everyone was always
thinking I was some annoying freak, now I don't know, I'm not like that
anymore, sometimes I see it come out, but I'm more calm. Of
course I still have that side to me, but now I can control it and know
when to stop.
I see many new things evert single day and it's so
amazing how much of an eye opener some things could be. It's been
important to me to spend more time with school and family other than
fun and games. I try to study more and do more work, but it seems
endless soemtimes.
This is just a random blog to write down some stuff
that's been in my mind for awhile now. Nothing much ot read
about, just wanted to remind myself that things are moving fast, and I
need to take time to spperciate everything that happens at every moment.
| | |
| WHAT IS A MEANTIME GIRL?
She's the one you call
when you're bored because she makes you laugh. She's the one you talk
to when you're feeling down because she's willing to lend an ear and be
a friend. She's not the one you call when you need a date to your
company's Christmas party, or to go dancing with on a Saturday night.
She's the one you spend time with between girlfriends, before you find
"The One." You know, the one who you keep around in the meantime. She's
not one of the guys, not a tomboy, but you don't look at her as a
"real" woman, either. She's not bitchy enough, moody enough, or sexy
enough to be seen in that light. She's too laid-back, too easily amused
by the same things your male buddies are amused by. She's too
understanding, too comfortable – she doesn't make you feel nervous or
excited the way a "real" woman does. But she's cool, and nice, and
funny, and attractive enough that when you're lonely or horny and need
intimate female companionship, she'll do just fine. You don't have to
wine and dine her because she knows the real you already, and you don't
have any facades to keep up, no pretenses to preserve. You're not
trying to get anything of substance out of her. She's not easy, but you
know that she cares about you and is attracted to you, and that she'll
give you the intimacy you need. And you know you don't have to explain
yourself or the situation, that she'll be able to cope with the fact
that this isn't the beginning of a relationship or that there's any
possibility that you have any real romantic feelings for her. It won't
bother her that you'll get up in the morning, put on your pants, say
goodbye, and go on a date with the woman you've been mooning over for
weeks who finally agreed to go out with you. She'll settle for a
goodbye hug and a promise to call her and tell her how the date went.
She's just so cool... why can't all women be like that?!
But
deep down, if you really think about it (which you probably don't
because to you, the situation between the two of you isn't important
enough to merit any real thought), you know that it's really not fair.
You know that although she would never say it, it hurts her to know
that despite all her good points and all the fun you two have, you
don't think she's good enough to spend any real time with. Sure, it's
mostly her fault, because she doesn't have to give in to your needs –
she could play the hard-to-get bitch like the rest of them do, if she
really wanted to. But you and she both know that she probably couldn't
pull it off. Maybe she's too short, or a little overweight, or has a
big birthmark on her forehead, or works at Taco Bell. Whatever the
reason, somehow life has given her a lot of really great qualities but
has left out the ones that men want (or think they want) in a woman. So
she remains forever the funny friend, the steadfast companion, the
secret lover, and you go on searching for your goddess who will somehow
be everything you ever wanted in a woman. You'll joke to her that she
should be the best man at your wedding, and she'll laugh and make a
joke about a smelly rental tux. She doesn't captivate you with her
beauty, or open doors with her smile. Mainly she blends in with the
crowd. She's safe. She doesn't want to be the center of attention and
turn the heads of everyone in the room. But she wants to turn someone's
head. She wants to be special to someone, too. We all do.
She
has feelings. She has a heart. In fact, she probably has a bigger and
better heart than any woman you've ever known because she's had a
front-row seat to The Mess That Is Your Life, and she likes you anyway.
She obviously sees something worthwhile and redeeming in you because
although you've given her nothing, absolutely no reason to still be
around, she is. Anyway, yeah. I'm a Meantime Girl. Been one more times
than I care to admit. I don't know the reason, really, and at this
point I don't even care. I just want to let every guy know who's ever
had the good fortune to have a Meantime Girl that we may be a lot of
fun, but we cry, too. A lot.
And someday we won't be around.
~*~*~*~
May someday people find that you are not just a meantime girl....
I found this on Soompi, and it's touched me deep. It make people
think, and I just want to put it here so people can know there are
people out there like that.
| | |
| Today is
Chinese New Year, I wish everyone well for upcoming year. But
before that, I hope that you take just a minute and see what’s the real
meaning behind Chinese New Year.
Chinese New Year is not
just a day where you get cash in big red envelopes and that’s the
end. That’s not the point in Chinese New Year. There’s so
much more, but people as us we are greedy, and that’s all we think
about during this time of the year. During Chinese New Year,
these two weeks of it, it’s not just about how much money you are going
to get or how little you’re going to get, but it’s about the time you
get to spend with your family.
No matter how much you may
dislike, hate, your mom or dad, or other people in your family, there
is still that one tint of love in your heart for them. That one
tint of love in your heart, wow, just one tint?
Do you think about the love
your family, a.k.a. your mom and dad, give you? Everyday we get
mad at our parents, back talk them, disagree with them, and yet
everyday they put up with it over and over. It’s like a routine
for them to put up with us, but then at the end of the day, before they
go to bed, all they think about is you. They think about how much
they love you and how they want only the best for you. They work
their hardest, trying to protect you, trying to raise you, trying to
support you, yet we do all those all those things and they still put up
with us.
The fact is we use our
parents since the day we were born. When we were babies, we cried
only when we needed someone to hold, someone to change our diapers, or
just a bottle of milk, but what do we do? We stay in their arms,
cramping them, getting them sore and tired. We litter the diaper
they had just change for us. We throw up the milk they fed
us. Yep, that’s how we returned a thanks, but who can blame
us? We were only babies right? They were prepared for that,
right?
Well now, now, we are older
and we can say thank you or maybe even help around the house once in
awhile, but then we always want something in return. We even give
them with a grunt, with a whine, with a ‘I hate you,’ while we do the
chores they give us, yet they go out there and work their butts off
trying to earn a little money, so they can give you things you want.
Think about it, when they
cook you a simple dinner. They just go ahead and do it, yes
sometimes they whine, and grunt just a bit, but they are humans too,
but never once did they say ‘I hate you,’ just because they are cooking
a dinner for you. When you needed money, you would run around the
house, cleaning it, knowing that it’s a bribe to get them to give you
the money, but then when they don’t you screamed and yelled, and say
that your friend’s parents are better than they are and give them what
they want. Is that fair?
All your life, your parents
has given you money to raise you to be what you are today. They
gave money to you to educate you. They gave you a home to live in
and food to fill that growing hunger. They give you money to give
you this and that, maybe not all of it, but that’s life, you can’t get
everything you want, you can get some, but just because they didn’t
give you that twenty dollars, you hate them, you yell at them, you
scream at them, you stomp away in anger. How nice of you to
return that to your parents after they’ve done so much trying to raise
you.
We take advantage of our
parents’ everyday. We do it without knowing sometimes, and other
are intentional. They don’t ask for much, just good grades and so
you can support yourself, when they can’t anymore.
See how we treat our
parents when they give us so much? The fact is, without them, we
would not be here today, and another one is, they aren’t going to be
there forever. So take this year and next and show them, how much
they mean to you. Do things without being ask to do it and don’t
expect something in return.
Maybe you don’t have to do
this for the whole year, but wouldn’t you think it’s better if you did,
after the long years they’ve been raising you? If not the whole
year, at least take these two week of Chinese New Year and spend them
with your family, for Chinese New Year, is not about money, it’s about
the fortunes you get throughout the year, and for a fact, love is the
biggest fortune your parents can ever get from anywhere. Chinese
New Year brings in family, so you can spend that time with them.
So these 2 weeks of the year, spend them with your family, that’s all
they ask every year, and maybe for once you can give it to them, before
you move out and leave them behind, thinking they did a bad job of
raising you, when in the reality, you were the one that let them down.
<3 Chantel
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